will

I lay deadened.
Craving to be scenic,
lame stab on myself.
Longing to be believed.
At least a try to fake a smile,
to be considered by the mirror I see.
Curling up to gain everything in me
Gather my every tiny possibility.
I lay deadened
Willing to be coveted.
I lay deadened
willing to be de-rusted.  

Celestial beauty

Red as a dancing sparkle of fire, 
her lips brighten in the full moonlight.  
An urge runs through my vein to touch them 
erotically, dragged in her presence. 

Bemused by her bodily blaze, 
eyes focused in the frame, 
half naked. 

My eagal vision scans her, 
An unusual stare, 
A continuous gaze, 
yet, can’t get enough of it. 

Smile that tucked deep inside me 
texture of hair so smooth that still feels  
I am absorbed like water in sponge. 
A strange fear holds my breath 
What if I am squeezed out of it? 

Joy

I stand here with an ecstasy
For I stepped somewhere I had longed for. 
I can hear the birds chirping 
As loud as my delighted soul wishes for.
Maybe because I feel like singing along with them 
As I sense a relief from my achievement.

My heart smiles like never before and so does my body.
I can't stop myself from moving it along with the rhythm I am catching,
Stepping barefoot on the ground to get a sensation so cold
That runs all over me, energizing my soul
Making me feel more complete and elated as a whole.

Hopeful

I am a wingless bat 
flopping around in an effort to explore.
To rise up like a morning sun,
feel its blaze and take it into my arms.
Eagerly I can fly well regaining my wings.
Wipe my bloody stains 
that roll off my cheeks. 
Afterglow hits my body hard,
hard enough to make me hear my own heart pound.
Everything that blew away starts to assemble
like pieces of a broken glass 
It reverses to be alone.

The Mask

This is a counterfeit, the mask I have been wearing,

the mask that fakes my sleep when I am wide awake, 
the mask that conceals me when I am all aware.
Pretends how careless I am,
how insensitive I have been.

The glow of my thoughtfulness agitates in a flare. 
Along with this mask, it bursts out into the air.
And to the world I become a vain. 
I be a worthless tiny mortal . 
I be who I’d never wished to be.
A coward and guilt filled  one,
Chock full of remorse,
full of the sensations that aren’t real,
full of the states, that, it should not have triggered.

Though I fear taking it off, the mask that covers. 
The only reason being my reality that I fear .
I fear my existence.
I fear who I have been for decades.
I am frightened by the world I am in.
For someone might sense my inner being. 

I lack the assurance of my admiration. 
I lack the balminess of arms of my beloved.
I am a ring that has just been tossed off of a finger .
The body that dies out of seclusion. 
yet I hid my transparency from the world.
For it might be stepped on.
Leaving it to opaque and a filth, 
I fear taking off my mask for I know what the world wants.

I fear being real for I know the world that’s virtual.
That the world cares the material that is casted off.
So why do I not fake myself?
Why do I let my soul be under the feet? 
The mask is a counterfeit I am aware.
But the world isn’t real either.

the FEELS

I feel so intense being one to be here

Being resolved, being thrown away

And being accused of delusion  

And I feel like I am losing everything 

Everything I had, everything I arranged to make myself

This is fading away, far away

I am shuddering in this frosty cold 

Thunders don’t let me be secure 

My foundations are trembling 

I am losing my wings

They have been so wet since long 

But this rain doesn’t seem to stop 

At least I could stand to walk away into the despair

Where is it taking me??

I sense myself being chaotic 

This isn’t the usual rain 

Hard like hails, its falling on my head

Tired of saving myself from these all

My hands have been bleeding 

They are frozen already 

I need sunshine to dry me up

Dry my muddled red eye 

Free my muddled heart

Join my scattered feathers 

And amass all to create myself again

It might be easy to explore the bewildered happiness,

But the trance that stays but doesn’t please 

It makes you a corpse

A living coarse 

With everything you need but all dead from within 

I am tired of dying indoors 

Living as an abrasion 

I would better lacerate and get lost 

I better get lost indeed than to sense this feel 

into her

Every time I catch her beauty, it intensifies me 

I get deepened on her glare, hazing my reality

Enough to forget to swoop up her memory 

I forget myself too; I forget the world I am in

And she takes me somewhere, far in the island of her love

Not only her glimpses do, every single memory does

The lines on her lips that fades when she smiles

I wonder how the eyes glorify

And the beauty it has, the beauty she has

It makes me insane wondering how beautiful they have been 

And how high they make me feel as she passes by

The colors those dark bloody ones

That’s been adding much more into it

Taking my breath away

Stealing myself from me as a whole

Making me harder to take it anymore

An intense desire drives me crazy

Desire to keep my lips on hers

To feel the softness and a sensation so cold 

I am lost in her, totally vanished

Vanished in my own desire that I don’t want to wake up

Dont want to waste a single moment to get into her

To see myself in her

The only thing that fails to stabilize me 

The urge to be with her is what it is

Kiss her gently and lead a way up to her soul 

And be right there, wishing I could never return anymore

As long as I can sense myself being alive

I have an urge to dissolve into her 

Mixing up so finely that no outer world can see us

Intensifying my love for her

Deepening its depth  

Submerge there forever

Yes, I want to dive into it
into that ocean, far and too deep..

The " haunted me "

I feel like something’s around here

Right here, that’s keeping my senses awake  

Nothing gets into my nerve too much

Too much that I feel like throwing myself away, 

And this kind of feeling grows rapidly 

Too rapidly that I feel like I’m going to expire

I no longer can live here

This bad haunts me like I cant go on

I can’t move on

It swirls my attentions  

A sense of dying runs into my blood

This is the way that it dashes 

Leaves me nowhere but within the darkest

Trying to get the best out of me 

It often notches 

But somehow I manage to find an inner room in me

That’s where I get to store all of me 

Locking it down when I throw the key underneath

I feel a sense of relief

I come back to “ the me “ that it makes

Its keeps haunting me here, but I know i am safe 

Nothing’s changed, I am all shielded 

So, You see me as I am all-good 

But I see me and it is as I am haunted 

Haunted to the best worse that it can be

But I know the way and its how I define me 

How I define the haunted me ...

In search of hope

Massacred from inside, I now lay 

With no reasons to be laid
Neither do I have reasons to wake up and move
What drags me? I give a glance behind
No drive that impel me to go
Not even my shadow
I find it nowhere around
In need of a ray of hope
In need of a push up note
I keep on lying
Stiff and benumbed
Nowadays I don’t fear death
Rather I fear the eternity
I fear the days I ought to wait
To build myself back
When how and where did I get lost
In search of myself I am wasted enough
I wish to face the low limit I can hold on to
Should I have pity on me or should I say it’s my vigor
Cause, I don’t realize I have been there ages ago
Its my outrage may be
I love to combat
Combat with myself
Unless I get the best out of me
I seem firm doesn’t necessarily mean I am
In need of a ray of hope
In need of a push up note
I scream towards my inner soul
No luck, yet I don’t find myself singing
Or anyone who could sing for me
A loud song to assure me my hope

Cigar

I inhaled the fumes of a cigar letting the smog get in

to quench my thirsts, craving to get into my spirits, 

my inner soul had purposelessly been floating

Wandering to triumph the inner peace 

Now, every cell of mine dances to its beat 

with the ounce of smoke getting dispersed everywhere

a feeling of totality runs into my nerves 

a need to feel its warmth rests inside me

I am then a lost being, a strange feeling

That I love to take it within me, 

that feels am no more here 

I am not within me 

I puffed out a cigar letting the smog soar up 

Letting the thirst of my gloominess rise along

My Absurd mind loving to guard its innocence 

I wished I could disperse and run away,

Dodge as it swirls up 

Evading all my harshness 

all the suffocations and the mess-ups 

I wish I could mix along, along with its flow 

vanish in a second as soon as I emerge  

in every blow, being a miniature

and end up as vast as the ocean 

Leaving no scars, no remorse 

No mourn and no any grieves

All that is left is an odor

That continues 

Continues to blowout

As a lament of a departed souls...

Mother awaits her son

she hasn’t seen him for long , she, the mother of the only son

her patience awaited till today, in a hope her child returns

unable to withstand lately, her motherhood shouts out loud

“god, it hasn’t been fair to me, he needs to be my cradle now”

the heart of the pathetic  mother stands in a grief 

now, her faith has disguised , she hasn’t seem to believe

though from a death bed, watching the sun as it sets,

she hasn’t stopped praying “almighty, bring my son back to me today”

she knows how she’s been treated, she knows how it feels

nevertheless, tends to live more, even that counts living  as a mentally ill

god had taken her child when she could fight back her emotions

and now she asks god to gift her back, coz she is no more able

she knows she can have him again

she dreams of hearing her son walk up to her,

she dreams of him throwing a heavenly smile 

she believes she can see him before her death just for a while

the world understands not, laughs on her nonsense.

Yet she waits for a miracle before her death

She longs to see her child once, while she is awake

Cruel almighty doesn’t seem to hear the mother’s soul

Only if she could overcome her grief, 

and the truth, she could accept it as the whole.. 

You are my valentine

Whole of the memories that thumps in the wall of my heart

That generates pictures of our togetherness

Since the very first day when you came over, 

Till today, on this auspicious day of our love

Feeling of emergence of joy when you crossed my way 

Do you remember love? 

The only happiness was smiling at each other,

That would make our several days

Roses showered over me every time our senses encountered 

Even the moments we couldn’t express were beautiful

That still gives me butterfly, each time I remember

Pleasant surprises you gave by suddenly showing up 

Those every little things that mattered was way too enough

To grow this feeling in both of us, bringing us where we are today

Do you remember love?

The first time you uttered love to me 

And that is the sweetest thing that you ever said

Day by day as every feeling is getting sharper  

Whole of me want you to my worst as well as my best  

My eternal love overpowering my heart,

Senses a delight to call you mine 

Let me shout out loud today

“You are my valentine”

“You are my valentine”

overcoming myself

I don’t know where shall I start

My esteemed heart has been out of path

In the celebration of freedom, 

I have gone insane out of complete glee

For I have conquered myself from the lattice thoughts

That weariness through which I went

Those creepy flashes, I tried harder to avoid.

I am a queen, red carpet awaits me 

Welcoming my grace, adoring my beauty

My triumph runs through every footstep that I take

All my ruthless memories turning their faces away

Here I come, with a pride within me 

My joy overtakes my every little sufferings 

I don’t pursue them; they are no more in me,  

Not my ambiances, not my priorities

Shall I give a glance to where I was? 

From between a crowd of my delight, a question wanders

It’s none other but the same heart that suffered 

What if I glance and quickly get back?

I know this happened a lot of times when I could get over

A determination in me gathers all my delights 

Overturning the thought right then, and then I proceed

This time its forever

No more looking back

No more vibes 

No further sentiments

Towards only there, where it feels right

Where I get covered with delights

And this time its forever

The determination, the victory

My love for self and the Certainties.

Help me hear my soul

Goodbye to all the gracious memories,

That led me to be here, to be on my own again.

Not to satisfy myself but in order to seek love,

To learn how to love and console myself again.

To wash out all my injuries,

All my memories that haunt me till today.

To erode the moment from my life that took all of me from myself,

my joy, my happiness, my smile and my self being

In fact, my body along with my soul and my belief

All the happiness has faded away and guilt covers my whole

Guilt, not for what I did but for what I was forced

Guilt, not for being who I have become today,

But, for losing my innocence.

Guilt, not for being unable to fight

but for being born as a weak, craving  for support

to even stand on my own

Lately happiness has been scaring me,

Feeling of joy is terrifying me

I fear of dark, I fear of day,

I fear each and every seconds when I am aware.

Tears help me wash out my memories;

The efforts I make to shout out loud help me be aware of me

I go insane looking at the lacerations,

The bruises and the scratches, I see

They might heal in long run

 But it has left as a permanent scar within me

Hopes bring out the fear to my inner self

I might be the victim once again

I do hope. It’s not the one that tries bringing old me back

But just to take away the abhorrence I have for my body,

Though I am alive, I don’t really exist within me

I can make my heart understand,

But soul hardly hears me..

My addiction to dark

I am addicted to dark, no light is a fantasy
Past haunts me even more than the night ghosts who scared me
And my heart shouts aloud in pain
I don't know if its pain,
that particular feeling that has always remained
Just Like a crash when you step on a dry leaves
Just that it doesn't make a sound
Heart has been so kind to me,
It gets off and on yet beats without any flaws
I get into pieces every time i happen to review my life
That pieces i know they are the one that glisten on my eyes
Letting them fall will throw my pieces away
Later how do I collect them?  How do I unite? To be stable again
I don't wanna feel them,i wish i could ignore every emotions that i get through
Then its like how i see the first star of a night
I see none when i look up first
And i come to see one
Then, i don't see others,
They themselves make them fall on my eyes one after another
How i wish to throw all memories just how dawn disappears
But as soon as joy hits me, night starts to scare
This is why i m addicted to dark,
no joy, no sense of scary night
So, when past haunts me,
i am more comfortable than the joy that hits me hard

I have a dream

I have a dream to feel at the end that Yes, i have been the one i had ever wanted to be
A dream to sense the truth of life
Such truth that has no added bitterness and no fakes and lies
I have a dream to assemble all the scattered clouds
Bring it together to rain , to clear up the entire sky
So the rising sun can rise with hope and set being free
The next day it gets even higher to let the earth see
I have a dream to keep pushing my soul
Push it till i overcome my desire
till death apart me from my whole
I have a dream to make my life worth living
And when i look back, i can smile at today without regretting
I have a dream to see this world with an eyes that not every one can afford
The eye of a feeling, the eye of perception and the eye that self conquers